Wednesday, February 13, 2013

hello there blogosphere. missed me?

Its been a while.

Hello readers, if you happened to stop by my humble crazyspace. Hope this finds you in good health. 
I have the words in my head but it might take a while to bring it all here.

Maybe i won't bring it all here. But a snippet. That would seem more appropriate i suppose.

In case you've been hit by amnesia, let me introduce myself.

Hello . I'm Nadia Nicole Abd Halim. You can call me Nadia, or Nicole, whichever is easier to remember.

I'm currently pursuing a Bachelor's degree in Biotechnology, with a major in Microbiology in UQ, Australia. In case you want a more honest perspective of how i see the world , click here. That's an average morning in my head. I could be thinking of lots of things and be completely silent at the same time. You never know ;)

To start off, 

I am the quiet girl with a bad posture who loves her alone time. I'd love to think that I am simple and one easy person to please, sadly enough I am not. I demand so many things in life, sometimes I think someone should shake me hard. I make an effort on those tiny trivial things that makes life move and heave and rattle. I am self-deprecating but I try convincing myself that I am only human. I complicate simple things because I like to think that I’ve worked harder than everyone else and I truly deserve an ice cream. 

Michael Buble, Adele, Sean Ghazi, Joss Stone, occasionally David Guetta, and mainly jazz singers make me sing when i'm on my own. I love finding good books that make me jump up and down with delight. I dream of becoming as exotic as Audrey Hepburn someday. Shopping is yoga to me. Blogging is pilates. And yes, I secretly wish i could live in the '60s where everything was so indescribably proper and polished and pristine. Where dance halls were commonplace, and so was etiquette. The perfumes, the hairstyles, the clothes;  i wonder what they were like. I wonder what its like to have to learn how to Joget or ChaCha in order to have a decent social life. 

Unlike today where everything is all about bumping and grinding (have you no class? poor you.)

When it comes to reading and studying, I’d prefer to have one solid area and that would simply be my study table (okay it is the only table in that area, so to sound smart I’ll just say it’s my “study table”).

But ergh, heaven knows that my head screams in horror and I’ll be pulling my hair out like a mad lady when some neighbours not too far off occasionally have their wild parties. It’s like a concert of their own. You see I detest change. Detest might be a strong word to use, but I do hate the hassle of changing my routine. 

Then again, don’t get me wrong, I am not admitting I am boring and predictable either. When I am fixed on the  idea, I stick by it and I don’t make a point to even try to be flexible. Same goes with my study table. 

I can only read and study on it, and nowhere else-PERIOD! 

I’ve always have this mythical idea that my brain absorbs facts better when I am sitting straight up, like is in its right position ; and if I were to lie down, nothing can ever go in and I would eventually just doze off. 

Even back in high school, I’d end up doing my homework at home and those free times at school would just be wasted on gossips and pranks on my classmates. Oh yes, I am the one with the pranks back then. Good old days.

I find solitude when everyone else is far away in dreamland and the world falls into silent mode. I love reading and studying in the wee hours. When it’s just me and the dark; inky black sky, and occasionally the moon would be staring over. It is something that I have developed since I was in high school. It’s the perfect hours for me. 

Weird as it is, I sometimes would purposely wait for my housemates to go to sleep and then only start reading- a habit I should try correcting. Talk about bad time management! But hey, everyone has a way of their own, and mine happens to be a tad eccentric. Don’t you think?

If it was for an exam, a really important one for that matter, I can go on and on and on and not even stopping to catch my breath. My record was 10 hours. 

Absurd you’d say, non non mon ami, this is fact! 

It was back in those SPM days, and I was a crack head. One dirty little secret; sometimes even I go on not bathing. To me , i thought it was a waste of time, and I was trying to buy as much time as possible, if only there were 48 hours in a day. Time was never enough. It was ridiculous back then, also about the same time I developed a back problem as a result of sitting down too long. This pain of mine, it still comes and goes, and whenever it strikes, I’ll be ranting about it like an old lady ; but oh it just aches terribly

Now I usually limit myself to at least 2 or 3 hours of reading then I’ll stop to get some fresh air and even sometimes a short nap just so the brain gets a little rest. I just realized after some time , that there is no point doing harm to the body. I used to think if I am feeling that much of an ache, I must be studying hard enough to guarantee me a decent result. 

Again, a very wrong concept, the naïve Nadia Nicole used to have. It’s all about doing it smartly.

When it comes to assignments, I try my best to complete as much as I can. It actually pretty much depends on how long one assignment would take me to finish. Some are extra hard, so I’d spend more time on it, leaving me less time for everything else. 

On average, I would say I try working on 2 to 3 assignments. 

My system is that I complete a certain task and then move on to the next one. I’m not quite fond of the idea of doing things half way through or touching bits and pieces here and there. It’s like eating an ice cream and leaving the cone out. I feel at ease knowing that, I have successfully completed one, and would enjoy the satisfaction of it 
before delving into another.

As for rewards, ah.

Rewards- the one word I love apart from photography, holidays and Vienna! Again it depends. If I had been struggling with exams and studied intensely for the week, the perfect reward would probably be good results, 
having something out from what I’ve been working really hard on. It is as if, all the effort was worthwhile. 

Having sometime to myself just to unwind, like right now; or probably a relaxed evening by the beach with my close friends where we would be talking about random things and 
then laughing our heads off or doing something really silly that just lifts my spirit would be a reward on its own. 

Just genuinely having a great time in the comfort of people that you have find a certain attachment to, or where you can afford to be stupid, or do things that only a crackhead would do and still not look funny is more than enough for me. 

I am admitting that I am one materialistic person, I love physical things, but there are 
things in life that are worth more than money can ever buy. Those are the ones I call real rewards and it gets me pondering, these are the times that we live for, the one that reminds us to always be grateful to God for His blessings. 

You know what they say, an achievement is nothing if there is no one to share it with. 

(P/S: A shopping spree wouldn’t be too bad of a reward either , :p )

I'd say this has been one of the best self-analyses I've ever done. 

A mind on fire melts the soul, always and all ways. 


nadia nicole.

She was the type to like things that were concrete, like the ocean. Something you could point to and know what it is. I think that’s why she always struggled with God. And I think that’s why she also struggled with love. She couldn’t touch it. She couldn’t hold on to it and make sure it never changed. But sometimes it’s those things you can’t touch that you need to hold on to the most.

Monday, July 2, 2012

one day, things will make sense. and i'll know where my life is heading. hopefully.

If I knew where I was going, I’d stop reading maps like they hold some special secret. I’d realize that they guide people toward a destination and not just away from themselves and I’d stop blaming physical boundaries and distance for all of my problems. I’d accept that the reason I always feel stuck is because I’m too afraid to cross the rivers and mountains that I’ve built up between myself and the people around me, between my actions and my ambitions, my muscles and my mind.

I’d start saving all of my books. I would organize them by how many times I’ve read them, and then I’d put them on a shelf in a room with yellow walls where I knew I’d be staying for more than a few months. I’d collect all the works of my most beloved authors because I’d have a place to keep them instead of flying one or two favorites home in my carry-on. Or maybe I wouldn’t read as much. I’d have a sense of permanence outside of written worlds and I wouldn’t crave an escape from my own anymore. I wouldn’t want to dissolve into their pages; I’d want to darken the ink on my own.

I’d be more certain of what’s important to me and more aware of what isn’t. My mind would stop wandering, fabricating characters that I want to become even though I’ve never met them, places that I want to call home even though they may not exist. Maybe I would fall asleep before four a.m. and wake up in time to see the morning. The self-doubt that’s collected itself into heavy circles under my eyes would lose some of its weight. I’d know what it’s like not to be tired from spending all night staring at the ceiling, searching for something in a place too infinite to cover until I know what I’m looking for.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

its a little obsession, i'd say.

Drogo+Daenerys (Game of Thrones)

So, i haven't really been following the serious consistently (since i'm waiting for my exams end before i properly do so) but they definitely have my attention! And after putting much thought into it, here's why:

At first glance, it seems like he's this huge,forceful man who is going to treat her like dirt, rape her, and force her to bare him an heir. Given his really tough and seemingly cold exterior, that was what i assumed at first. But it’s not.

Yes their first time is slightly forced onto her but she had become his new bride and i suppose it must be some customary Dothraki tradition? But anyway he was gentle with her on those rocks before the oceans tides. As Daenerys starts to adapt to Dothraki culture and really know her husband; somewhere along the lines she slowly falls in love with the people, title, and husband. Drogo is a very fierce warrior but he does love his Khaleesi, and she loves her Khal. She soon gets pregnant and eats a whole horse heart for her new life that she has fallen in love with, she even learns to stand against her brother. 

I love the way he smiles at her when he learns the news of her pregnancy. Most of all what I love is after Vineary’s is pulled away, and his sword is no longer against her stomach, her loving husband walks over and places his hand upon her stomach and strokes it with his thumb. Looking into her eyes to make sure his beautiful Khaleesi is okay, I want a love like this someday.One that starts out rough and unknown, then blossoms into true love. Khal Drogo and Khaleesi Daenerys is one of the best examples out there. <3 I can only hope, in my dreams; in a life ever so distant from the reality of my life now. And nobody can steal your dreams, that's the beautiful part of it. But dreams alone will not suffice if you truly want something. I guess you'd have to work for it too; like it was something you'd love to the very core and would protect at all costs.  

I bet it must be a beautiful feeling, to be loved by someone in that sense. To know you mean the world to them; and to be their perfectly imperfect match. The kind of love one can only dream of.


Okayyy hopeless romanticism aside, i'm hoping to get an early jumpstart for tomorrow to study virology so let's hope we stay focused and stick to the plan. Big day ahead tomorrow. Bigger things lie ahead. But i know if i try my best, i can handle it. May Allah ease my effort. Amin.

nadia nicole.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

This is for Syarif Hakim :)

Dear Syarif Hakim,

To my dearest friend,

I'll be honest with you. I haven't gone through what you've gone through, so i know, i have no right to scribble any of this down like i can imagine how you feel. Because i know, i can't fathom your situation until I've walked in your shoes. Until then, I have no right to judge you and I cannot possibly imagine how much it hurts you inside. 

But this much I know is true, you deeply miss her.A longing. And i don't know the exact feeling, i can't put my finger on it or find it anywhere in the dictionary. a feeling like this, can only be felt, not explained. but at least now, she has found true peace over there. She's liberated from any form of pain, and now, she's allowed to feel everything she wasn't given in her borrowed time. Because what she has now, this peace, its real. 

I'm sure, seeing how far you've come, and how far you've made it, she would have been  fiercely proud of you. Without a doubt. 

She will always stay alive in your heart, and she is always there for you. Never forget that. People who we truly love, never really leave us. And i know for sure, that you still love her everyday, as much as you possibly can. 

bottom line is that, i just wanted to let you know, that if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll always be here =). i'm not good at making small talk. i don't always have the right words or the best advice. i may not be able to cure you, i may not be able to erase the hurt. but i will always try my best to give you all my support. you have my word. i am here for you, your friends are always here for you. so don't ever forget that. 

"death ends a life, not a relationship"--Mitch Albom

hang in there, bro. you got this. 

you're not alone.  :)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

laundry rant.

let me be honest. if there's one household chore i find a real pain, its laundry. without a doubt. i just don't have a fondness for doing the laundry. i really don't have it in me. its just that i find it terribly mechanical and pedantic; and sometimes even a burden. its a bit like studying lecture notes. Without the intellectual satisfaction.

And having said that, to all those near and far; i just want you to know that i miss you very much and that i love you everyday .

Monday, April 23, 2012

a personal entry. a personal opinion.

"Girls without hijab are hot, and girls with hijab are beautiful, that's why hell is hot and paradise is beautiful."

so i saw this statement hanging around lately. and now i'm gonna take this opportunity to voice out what's been on  my mind for quite a while now.  

to be honest I think this kind of talk is really dangerous. and i don't like what it implies.

let me begin by saying I've recently started (earlier this year) to wear the hijab and that when i decided to do it, i knew that in my heart i was finally ready to commit to this. this wasn't going to be one of those decisions where i would second guess myself later on.

and by the way, this wasn't something anyone forced me to do. not my parents, not my family, not my friends; no one forced me into making this decision. although, i would say that this has surprised many people. but all that matters is that the people who really appreciate me, who know me inside out; would still love me despite a change on the outside. and its funny, how sometimes a change of heart sometimes reflects on the outside as well :) i am still the same nadia nicole and nothing has changed, i still love the same bizarro shizz. 

but i would be lying if i said that it wasn't an internal struggle for me at first.there were countless times where i would have conflict..with myself. to a lot of people, i know i seem like someone who doesn't talk or open up very much at first. 

but often, the quietest people have the loudest minds.

a part of me clearly knew that i wanted, needed something to hold on to and to improve myself; and a part of me was also afraid that i would be judged by my appearance as well.  see the thing is, i'm really self-conscious about my body and even more with my face. So it wasn't unusual to me that every time i first started using the hijab i used to think about stuff like:

"does this make my face look fat?'
"guess i can't wear that now"

But now things have changed. These bouts of insecurity have gone from a booming voice into a quiet whisper, and i refuse to let my mind bully my body anymore. Priorities have changed, and i've realized that the hijab is more than just a piece of cloth. Its something that changes you from within and its a whole personality that goes with you wherever you are. my life hasn't been perfect, and i've committed many sins in the past. but i'm trying to fix that part of myself. i'm trying to be a better person in Allah's eyes, and frankly i couldn't care less if some people are jobless enough to judge me in a negative sense for trying to change. in Islam, its been said that if a daughter goes out from the house without covering up properly, then her father is responsible for that in the afterlife. dad has been through a lot lately so he's also part of the reason why i'm doing this. i love my father very much and i will do my best to be a good daughter :) i miss him so much. 

here i am, and this is me. trusting my heart, unsealing it to change and giving a new meaning to my life. 

and life, despite the madness of assignments and presentations galore; has been great :). sometimes you really gotta just plant your own garden, instead of waiting on someone to bring you flowers.

and i'm not going to doubt my life.

but to get back to the topic,

As Muslims, we should promote good morals, conduct, faith, practices, and values. 

Wearing a hijab doesn’t automatically realize these ideals for a woman, and not wearing 
one doesn’t automatically insinuate that a woman has loose morals or ill faith.

These are incredibly illogical arguments. Hijabi or not, all women deserve respect. By separating the virtues of hijabis and non-hijabis, not only are we separating groups of women, who can achieve more by being united, but we are creating friction within the Ummah. Because now one group is deemed more “worthy” than an another.

This is wrong. You may not have had the intention of hurting anyone’s feelings by posting this quote, but that’s exactly what it’s doing. Statements like these make non-hijabis feel like they are not good enough. Like they aren’t seen as equals in their own Ummah. Statements like these also raise hijabis on the proverbial pedestal and it negates any possibility for them to make mistakes as human beings. Both parties of women suffer.

So really, there's no need for some fancy statement to emphasize on the importance of the hijab, no need for controversial comparisons, and really;  no need to argue or create a divide between muslim women. this fancy talk really isn't necessary. just take a look, its simply written in the Qur'an (33:59 and 24:31). And hey, there's even a whole chapter dedicated for women in the Qur'an (An-Nisa). So now its just up to the girl whether to wear the hijab or not.

But just remember that in most cases, the hijab is an external appearance reflection to a change that happens on the inside. i guess that's why some people are very quick to judge; its one of those things that are out on the open. But also remember that wearing a hijab doesn't make you perfect. it doesn't mean you are superior nor inferior to anyone else. you are who you want to be; and where we are now is a result of our actions and decisions, and of course by the grace of God.  do what feels right for you, because no one should have a right to force you into doing things you don't want to do; or tell you where you belong and how you should lead your life. that decision is entirely up to you, and its in your hands.

Hijab is about modesty, true. But this isn't about pleasing other people, it shouldn't have to be. And this is isn't even about hiding your beauty, because you can still be modest without the hijab (a lot of non hijabis are modest!), and also look beautiful with the hijab. I think hijab used to bring the meaning "barrier"; and that's what it does. A barrier between you and the world, so you are always reminded about the hereafter; a place more beautiful and more profound than here and now. End of the day, only Allah SWT can judge you for your actions, and not His creations. 

i'm blessed, for things that haven't happened, for things that have happened, and for things which are bound to happen :)

nadia nicole.

it feels good to finally let it all out. at last.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

its been a while.

hello, world. its me again, :)

finally tonight i'm free from tests or assignments and i can quietly soak up the night all by myself. i've bought a yummy book called the discovery of witches. gonna gobble it down tonight. found out that when i spend money these days, most of the time its usually either on food or books.

money well spent i say!

I'm sorry i haven't been blogging more often. Uni sucks the life out of me sometimes ><.

but overall , its been a beautiful day. just me, my curious feet and hungry eyes. And oh, John Mayer on replay. Bliss.

but tonight, tonight is different.

tonight i will live ala dolce far niente. the sweetness of doing nothing. except enjoying life :)

on a random note, i admit that lately i've been feeling rather homesick. in fact, more than usual dose. its the little things about home i miss most, like my family gathering together and sharing a meal. spending time annoying my cousins (when in fact, i'm the one getting annoyed most of the time. haha, such irony). the tiny packets of nasi lemak and fruit juice for breakfast. waking up late. my old bed. my giant teddy. rainy evenings watching good comedies.

And, I should also mention that one thing I love about Kelana Jaya are the shops. You know. Little old, run-down , dusty grocery shops. And if you're lucky, they even come with shopkeepers who don't have a complete set of teeth and wear coca-cola bottles for glasses. 

And in these shops, there are at least ten different things spilling out of five different shelves, which smells like dusty biscuits and old detergent. With dusty cement floors.
Which is what I love about it.

It's just another thing about home that you can't really find anywhere else. The authenticity, the nostalgia, the cheap 5 cents sweets and even cheaper celebrity magazines.

shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it like a Polaroid picture ♪♫

signing off for now!


nadia nicole.